Monday's meditation - I am the dream I seek
Finding courage to follow the red thread of our longings
What I have found most painful in life is to follow what I can’t seem to escape.
I follow my dreams as if they were life-giving Suns but then always feel parched and withered after spending too much time under his rays. I long for the liquid of rest, and yet find it almost impossible to give it to myself in this culture that glorifies burn-out.
It’s much like chasing your own tail where the exhaustion makes you dizzy and nauseous, and yet you can’t stop because you long so deeply to taste just one mouthful of fur between your jaws.
These past few years have magnified my desire to live more intentionally and to create a space for myself on the very fringes of minimalism, and yet I’m astonished to realize that my ego has played an enormous part in its attainment.
I find it a little ironic to chase something I fundamentally know is within me, and yet still choose to chase this dream throwing every trauma out of my bag at it.
I don’t follow dreams like I used to. They are no longer delicious feelings but tangible things and places, all visually laid out in front of me for perfect scrolling ease.
Forever-homes are at fingertips that I can no longer keep still, belonging lives in a healing-circle I never have the courage to turn up to, Peace is in a book I’ve now read so many times I’m ashamed to say I can’t quote a word of - never mind live.
There were times in my youth, however, when a thread of desire pulled me towards an ever-twisting journey and where its attainment had nothing to do with my contentment - because the pull was the adventure in itself, the pull was belonging itself, the pull itself was home.
Fear takes the fun out of everything, doesn’t it? But that’s what I gained from these past 3 years with visceral and somatic effect; huge, existential fear.
We feel called by Spirit towards certain things - but follow in trauma, using what we’ve protected ourselves with and accumulated along the way as our guide instead of turning to the tools already within the Heart.